I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
