im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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