I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
