I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
