I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
