If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
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You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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