i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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