Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
