I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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