dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
