Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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