Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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