Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
