I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
