you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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