Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
