My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
