kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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