sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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