Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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