She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
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