i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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