and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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