Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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