final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
