Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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