Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
