So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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