I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
