i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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