I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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