So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
