Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
