Do you still have your period?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
