I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
