I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
