p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
