I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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