What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
