in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
