You smell like stripper and shame
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
