I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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