He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
