i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
