Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
