New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
