mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
