i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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