I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just puked most of my soul out..
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
