4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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