I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
