It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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