my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
