Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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