If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
